Tumblin' Tuesday

Let me be clear about this. To you, my darlings and to my own self - I do not want a relationship.

Clearly I am not ready to have any kind of ongoing committed attachment to anyone, since my heart is still healing and I've only just begun to dry my eyes.

So when my sometime lunch buddy/sleepover buddy held me accountable for lost time during a girls nite out (and lets face it, all my nights out are girls only.. don't want any partners to cramp our style!) I was a bit surprised.

"The other night when I said I wasn't horny just a snuggle you weren't interested! Then last night you just stop [texting]? "

When he then gave me the cold shoulder and proceeded to ignore me the next day, I was confused.

"Today I was busy not dismissive."

And when I confronted him with the question 'were you mad at me..' and he admitted that yes indeed he was.. well, then I was annoyed.

Mostly I was annoyed because his version of the story had me out all night and half the next day with a man, having sex and all kindsa things I could only dream about! When all I was doing was having a good time, dancing, drinking with random strangers and my BFF and then home to bed alone, sound asleep.

I also felt plain freaked out! The idea of a man keeping tabs on me does not sit well.
I do not want to belong to any man.
I do not want to be accountable to any man.

The thought of being in a relationship puts a huge weight on me, like an ill-fitting coat. Twenty sizes too big. And made of lead.

I make it clear to each and every man I meet that I am single by choice; that I do not want a boyfriend; and that I'll date but I don't want anything serious. Given the stereotypical man, you'd think they'd jump at this awesome no-strings deal! But instead I'm finding that they want me all to themselves, that they want to own me.

Something to keep in mind, darlings. The very thought of something we can't own running around in public only makes us want to own it a million times more for fear that it will become someone else's. That might sound a bit abstract but it makes sense.

For my situation, I let him know I was annoyed that I'd been mis-judged. (Of course I didn't tell him that had the right guy (read: hot!) come along it's perfectly possible I'd have gone home with him. I'm not ready for exclusive monogamy just yet.)

He sent flowers and all was forgiven.

Dear ones, remember this, it's easy to forgive when your heart isn't involved.