Reflections..

Sometimes my life just pulls me up short and makes me stop and take stock.
Sometimes life reigns me in and asks questions like:
'what are you doing!?'
'who do you think you are?'
'are you happy with who you are?'
'are you happy with what you're doing?'

This past week I've been painfully sifting through the remains of my life, coming to terms with what I have left.

A gold panning analogy is particularly good here, I feel like my life has been brutally scooped up, shaken, drowned and discarded like so much invaluable river sand. I'd like to say what is left is gold, and that's me. But that's where the gold panning analogy veers off from the reality. Although the physical bruises and aches have healed, I still feel emotionally battered.

I ask myself a hundred times a day:
am I as 'good' as I think I am!?
am I as easy going and sweet natured as I want to be?
do I come across wrong to other people?
what have I done to make my own brother hate me SO much?

And then, because of the absolute abandonment and betrayal by my closest blood relatives, I am distrustful and sceptical of anyone who claims to love or care about me. I push away anyone who tries to get close. I have convinced myself that attachment is a curse and I am much better off alone, doing my own thing.

I'll keep my friends for sure! But anything closer is an emotional time-bomb.

And right now, I feel determined and mad enough to stick with my belief that anyone I love, anyone I get attached to, anyone who claims to care about me, WILL walk away and abandon me.

And right now, I've had enough. Ugh, I know I sound angry. I am. I know I sound bitter. I am.
I've no tears left and my heart cannot hurt more than it already does.
I'm tired of being let down, treated like rubbish, taken advantage of.

I rarely feel so mad that I'd say 'fuck you all' to the world, but that is exactly what I feel like doing. Then crawling into a hole and hibernating for another long cold Melbourne winter.

Wake me when the sun is shining. I'm tired.